he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.