i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
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We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
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can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM