so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.