afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
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There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
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FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.