You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
