Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
