I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
