I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
