cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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