When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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