I just threw up on my dentist
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
