My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
