Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize