I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
