I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
