my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
