Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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