how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
