I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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