we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
