Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
