I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
