dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
