Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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