We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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