I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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