Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
