what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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