the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
