I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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