i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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