Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
