I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
