I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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