Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
this is an emotional support booty call
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
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