cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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