$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
