im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
