totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
