My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
