that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
