nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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