i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
