I could make wine with my vomit
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
