mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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