I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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