end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
