I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
