By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
