So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
