How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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