I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
