have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
