I cut my penus on the lid.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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