In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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