I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
