he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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