She said her name was "party"
I think I won the penis lottery.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
